4.02.2013

Worry


I know, rather, I knew that when I became pregnant, my level of worrying would reach a whole new level. I knew this because, like my mother and paternal grandmother, I have a bad case of The Worries. I've had it since I was little.

I used to worry about falling down while walking up the chalkboard at school. (Yep. We had chalkboards back in my elementary school days. I AM ANCIENT.)

I used to worry myself into physical sickness about passing middle school algebra. (To be fair, I had a teacher whose charm and warmth rivaled that of the Wicked Witch of the West.)

I used to worry about getting into college, despite having a solid ACT score and darn decent GPA.

I worried about finding my soulmate.

I worried each morning about how I'd get through the day at my job at the time. I hated it that much. (The job I had before the amazing job I have now.)

I worried about getting pregnant, even though I had no medical reason to be worried.

...............................

But guess what.

I never once fell while walking up to the front of the classroom.
I did pass algebra, albeit with the skin of my teeth.
I did get into a good college. And on scholarship.
I found Stephen.
I got a new job at a company I'd been eyeing since I'd moved to my city over five years ago.
I got pregnant quickly.

Essentially, I had flat-out wasted a whole lot of time worrying about things that, inevitably, weren't worth fretting over.
...............................

We're in the height of all the early screenings and ultrasounds and such with the baby. And I'm a first-time mom. Y'all, I just about had a mini-nervous breakdown the day we went to look for the babe's heartbeat. It took the nurse all of two minutes to find it, but those were the longest, most emotionally excrutiating of my LIFE.

And now we're waiting on the results of the first trimester screening. And I'm in hyper-drive worry mode. I worry because I'm sick on an almost daily basis right now. Not just "a little nausea" or anything, we're talking all-out UGLY sick. I worry that something must be wrong with me, despite logic telling me that some women are just, well, sick.

The "what ifs" are killing me. But, I know God has a very specific plan. He's a man of great detail, after all. And I know that whatever comes our way during this pregnancy and this baby's life, we'll handle it.  I believe my God transcends all of these earthly worries, though. He is bigger than any ultrasound or screening. He clothes me in strength and protection far more than any vitamin, supplement, pregnancy book or parenting class ever could.

I worry, but He reminds me of His steadfast love: "Did I not bring you this far?", He asks.

And I smile. Because He has.

32 comments:

  1. Aw, Leslie. I had/have many of the same worries. I'm sorry!

    Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

    I memorized this verse by writing it down when I feel anxious. Hope you feel better soon.

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  2. You definitely are not alone!!! Pregnancy and labor/delivery can be some of the scariest moments of a woman's life! You'll have a whole world of support to lean on in real life and online, that will be here for you! It's such a bond. And, you're right- we worry a lot of the time, and it turns out for nothing. But, it still doesn't help us from not worrying. (hugs)

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  3. I feel like I could be reading something I would write if I were to become pregnant. I worry about EVERYTHING, incessantly, and pregnancy can be one of the scariest things in the world.

    You're entitled to your worry, but you are right, there is a plan for everythign and everyone.

    What gets me through times like those is to remind myself to live in the moment! what happened yesterday and what will happen tomorrow can easily get you worked up if you think about it. Think about the NOW and how awesome you and baby are right in this very moment <3

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  4. I think you and my little sister could be soulmates :) she's 21 weeks right now and trying so hard not to be her typical worrywart self.

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  5. Welcome to being a mother! All that worry you have for yourself will now transfer to your child. Will they trip and fall, will my sweet baby fail a class b/c their teacher is evil? Will my child find love? And you know what? It's so normal. Those screenings are so scary! I feel like they hype up the negative way to much. God has a plan for you and your baby is going to be perfect!

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  6. Make me cry, Leslie! I needed to hear this. Although I'm not pregnant, I needed that reminder that He HAS brought me thus far...and of course He's going to carry me through. And I just know baby S is going to be perfect in His sight, and he/she will be the most loved baby around :) Praying daily!

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  7. I was/still am the same as you. I worry about everything and it does get worse once you have kiddos. But the most important thing to remember is that God has a plan for you and it is not to harm you but to bless you. When I was pregnant with my second I had the first trimester screenings come back that he was increased risk for down syndrome. I worried until I was sick until my 4D ultrasound (I opted out of an amnio). He was born without DS but during that time of uncertainty I found numerous blogs or ran into many people who had a child with DS. At first I I kept saying it was God's way of preparing me but then one night I realized it was God's way of saying "Don't worry. Those children are just as precious and are perfect to me". And that night I quit worrying about that. But I do still worry about their health, safety and wellbeing. I think any good mother does :) You will do great!

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  8. I don't think I have officially told you congratulations, so congrats!

    Worry, honestly, needs to be listed as one of the symptoms of pregnancy. It is so easy to do when you ultimately have no control over the situation. My favorite part of this whole post was what you said about Him clothing you in strength and protection... SO TRUE!

    I hope you feel better soon!

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  9. Leslie, I know JUST how you feel. There's something about pregnancy that really brings out the worrying tendencies in us mamas. Mine were especially bad (and still are - even at 31 weeks pregnant now) because my husband and I lost our first pregnancy at 8 weeks last summer. After experiencing that, every milestone in this current pregnancy has brought both joy and more worry for me. It may sound weird, but the fact that you are sick is actually a sign that your baby is alive and growing. I was sick until 14-16 weeks with this pregnancy, but it was kind of reassuring to know that something was happening to cause me to be sick. So try looking at it that way - maybe it will help (and make all the yakking a little more bearable!) As mommas, I think we all worry until we can count every little finger and toe on our little ones. And then a whole new set of worries arrives because they are out in the world and subject to so much more that we can't protect them from...Just remember that God has a plan for you, your husband and your sweet baby. Give your fears to Him as much as you can and try not to let the worry get the best of you! I will be praying for you - and for me at the same time, as this is something I struggle with daily!

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  10. I love a worry wort, probably because I'm marrying one. So I have to comment and tell ya something really random- I dreamed that my fiance was married to you and I was his woman on the side (creeping you out yet?). I woke up thinking that dang Blonde Ambition. Ha- I better quit reading blogs in bed. When I told him about the dream this morning, he looked at me so crazy. He was like you dreamed about a girl you've never met. He told me to lay off the blogs!

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  11. I totally get it...I'm a worrier too! I know that God is going to be working through your whole pregnancy (and I hope the sick days don't last too long)!

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  12. Congratulations on hearing the heartbeat!! Thank you for such being a great influence to me. I look up to your blogging, faith, writing, and style more than you know. I get (obviously not all of it sense I'm 14) how you feel about the worrying. I try not to, but I literally worry about everything there is. I mentally plan how things could go wrong over and over. Two verses that really help me get through anxiety are Jeremiah 29:11 (God has such a huge plan laid out perfectly for us) and Matthew 6:25 (worrying isn't going to help us or change the outcome.) I'm hoping that you start feeling better soon!

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  13. The very end of your worry post is so very true sweet girl... God is with you always every day every hour every second! He is & will always be there as long as you allow him too! We all worry & that is ok too worry is normal!

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  14. Congrats on the baby!

    I have never commented before, but as a mommy of a 2 year old and a 9 month old...I completely understand.

    I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent obsessing and overanalyzing things. I've heard it said that when you become a parent, you wear your heart on the outside of your body. How true.

    My best piece of advice when you find worry occupying your thoughts - pray over it and try to move that worry from the front of your mind...to the back! As a mom, there are SO many things to worry about which is normal. Say a lot of prayers and don't let yourself obsess.

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  15. Having had four babies, I can tell you I was worried about the exact same thing....regarding the morning sickness, the doctor said to me "it's the ones that aren't sick that I worry about". I had two doctors tell me that. The sicker you are, the better! :-) It means those hormones are working overtime, and growing that baby!

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  16. Ginger- be it ginger snaps, ginger root, even ginger ale- helped my nausea tremendously! Not sure if that little tidbit had been shared yet, or if it will even work for you, but hey, anything is worth trying! Feel for ya! But as you already know- it is ALL so worth it. :)

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  17. Leaning on God and knowing that he has a plan for everything got me through worries with pregnancy #1, bringing home said baby and now working through pregnancy #2. Keep relying on him and praying for His perfect peace, and it will come :-) Good luck, mama... and feel better. If your sickness is anything like mine, it is gone by second trimester :-)

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  18. We will believe the report of the Lord!!!

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  19. An amazing devotional I started reading is "Jesus Calling." It is written as if Jesus is speaking directly to you and it gives Scripture. How reasurring that we can trust the God of the universe with complete faith. Worrying won't add one more day of our lives and He knows the number of hairs on our heads! Incredible! Daily entrust your precious little one to the Lord and He will give you the peace that passes all understanding. Hugs!

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  20. Waiting on those screening results is the worst...but you'll make it. And once you get to the 2nd trimester, it all seems to get so much better. And your kid has the best due date...10/19 is my birthday!

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  21. My thoughts always go to the worst - always. Worry is built in hard and solid in my being. When I find my mind wandering I call it back with scripture.

    "Let the peace of christ rule in your heart, for as members of one body we are called to peace and thanksgiving" Col 3:15

    Boom! Peace of Christ. So many times I let worry rule in my heart and not the PEACE of Christ.

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  22. Worrying means you care, right? Hang in there sweet mama and know that God has your back! He HAS carried you this far! :)

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  23. I read "believing God" by Beth Moore during my first trimester when I was laid up in bed as sick as could be. I worried that something was going to happen to the baby, worried before every doctors visit, worried about eating something that would hurt the baby....I was nuts. Her words reminded me that God had brought me to that place in my life (which I worried I would never get to) and that he had a purpose. I finally let go and had such a peace! Once my little man was born I worried about him and I remembered what I had read- now instead of worrying about him at night I say a prayer and turn it over to God. It's a daily struggle for sure!

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  24. I won't forget the day I got the call at work with the results from my first trimester screening. They told me they came back abnormal and that my baby girl had a increased chance to be born with spina bifida. This was on a Thursday and I couldn't get in to see the specialist until the following Monday.
    LONGEST 4 days of my life and of course, the internet just makes it worse with all of the scary info.
    Everything turned out to be okay and my little 2 1/2 year old is perfect! I can promise you that the worrying never stops.
    All we can do is pray to God daily - you seem like such a good person and I know everything will be okay.
    :)

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  25. Leslie, I tend to "over-worry" a lot myself. I always like to refer to Matthew 6:25-27, 6:34, these verses help remind me that worrying is not necessary when you trust in God...easier said than done, I know. I think worrying just means you care, which will make you a wonderful mother. So excited to hear your news and relieved to know this isn't going to turn into a "baby blog" with over sharing on gritty details, though who can resist the occasional belly picture post ;-)

    All the best!

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  26. I was also UGLY sick for my entire pregnancy. Zofran helped, but not all that much. I jokingly tell people I was sick till I got my eipdural (I was sick during that too). I only tell you this because I now have a funny, happy, healthy toddler boy (15 months). who keeps me laughing on a daily basis.

    As I type this, a baseball just rolled down the stairs. Who knows what is going on up there! Mama needs her daily coffee and will clean up the empty sock drawer later!

    You will remember for a while, but then you WILL forget. Trust me, it is worth it, every second of every minute.

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  27. Just wait until your NOT nauseous and vomiting anymore then you'll wonder what's wrong and why your not sick!

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  28. Hang in there mama! I hope you feel better soon. God has a plan for all of us and we must not worry. He will provide and take care of us through it all. Congrats on hearing the heartbeat! Amazing, right?

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  29. Oh, sweet girl. I'm a natural worrier by nature too. Trey always gives me a hard time! But, know that the God who built the universe has you and your sweet baby in the palm of His hand and He loves you both abundantly. It's hard to imagine that He loves our babies more than we do, but I have no doubt he does. I pray that you start feeling better, and if you don't that you get Phenergen (sp??). HUGS!

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  30. Ah, the sicker you are, the healthier the pregnancy! Seriously! The nausea and vomiting are all sings that's its going well. I have two kids and i worried most when the morning sickness went away! When I was pregnant with my daughter and we did our 8 week ultrasound, they didn't find a heartbeat at all and sent me to the hospital (5 days later!) for a more in depth ultrasound and even prepared me for a miscarriage should it happen. I went for that second ultrasound and everything was fine! It was the scariest five days of my life.

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  31. I just discovered your blog and am so glad I did. I am such a worrier. Sometimes, my brain is my worst enemy. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about 7 months now. I worry all the time that there is just something wrong with me. (I couldn't get into the doctor for another 2 months.) Worrying isn't helping me. It is just giving me more anxiety and in turn, making me less healthy. It is important to remember that God will always provide. Things will happen on his watch, not mine. As I have kept reading, I now know that you are feeling much better now that you are further along in your pregnancy. I wish you health and calmness for the rest of it and beyond. Take care girl, and I can't wait to keep reading.
    Taylor
    www.thetaylordiary.com

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